When I was a teenager I wished I had breast cancer.
I know it isn’t something to be taken lightly – I watched my aunt fight the illness for years as cancer infected her other organs until she died, slowly, painfully.
But I still thought it was the only solution to the discomfort I felt from my developing chest. That’s how desperate I was.
I needed someone else to see that my body was not how it is supposed to be. I wanted, more than anything, for a doctor to say: ‘Yes, in fact, after looking there is something wrong here. Your breasts are wrong and need to be removed’.
I knew I was uncomfortable with my body and I was still reckoning with my gender. I was uncomfortable with how the world saw my body and confined me into a little gendered, binary box.
And these feelings only worsened when my teenage years hit and my body started to change in ways I hated.
It was clear that I was expected to be a girl or at the very least, behave in the way society expected girls to behave – like talk about boys, try to get away with wearing make-up to school, and get excited about buying my first bra.
But instead, I would bind my chest with bandages and tape, actively hurting myself. Sometimes, deliberately causing pain in the hope that the damage I caused would have to result in their permanent removal.
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And of course, my discomfort was so strong that I was hoping to have an illness that was slowly taking the life of one of the strongest women I have ever known.
That’s why I’m so furious, saddened, and downright scared by the news that Health Secretary Wes Streeting has indefinitely extended a ban on the use of puberty blockers for treating gender dysphoria in under-18s, the one thing that could have helped me as a teenager.
Puberty blockers pretty much do what they say – they are a medication used to postpone puberty in children.
They block testosterone and oestrogen – hormones that lead to puberty-related changes in a person’s body, such as periods, breast growth and hair growth.
The ban will not impact children who are not transgender, the majority of whom are proscribed puberty blockers for the temporary treatment of ‘precocious puberty’ when the onset of puberty is thought to potentially cause physical or mental harm.
Studies also suggest they can help to reduce depression and suicidal ideation in transgender and nonbinary youth.
If I had known what they were when I was growing up, I absolutely would have tried to get my hands on them. They would have saved me a lot of physical and mental pain that I have carried into adulthood.
Wes Streeting told parliament that he ‘really cares’ about LGBT children. But his actions don’t show that.
After consulting with independent expert advice from the Commission on Human Medicines (CHM), who stated that they are ‘an unacceptable safety risk’, Streeting has ripped this potentially life saving medication from the trans youth of today.
Considering his previous remarks about trans healthcare, the decision didn’t exactly come as a shock. However, it did feel like a glimmer of hope had been snatched away.
The Cass Report into gender identity services, which came out earlier this year, called puberty blockers ‘powerful drugs with unproven benefits and significant risks.’
But I believe the real risk to young trans and non-binary people comes from banning them.
I didn’t have access to puberty blockers, and so I thought those horrible thoughts about cancer and tried to damage myself. Now, as an adult, I can see how unhelpful that was, and I work to make sure no other child has the same levels of distress I had.
I do this by sharing my experience publicly to help anyone else feel less alone. I work with organisations, such as the NHS Sexual Health London – a free online sexual health service – to make their environments inclusive of trans people and their needs.
Need support?
Mermaids is able to help trans people up to their 19th birthday.
Their helpline is open Monday to Friday, from 9am to 9pm: 0808 801 0400.
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And I amplify the voices of other trans people, particularly trans youth who are at the coalface of successive governments attempting to strip them of their right and dignity to score political points.
I have also been inspired by the work activist group, Trans Kids Deserve Better, has been doing to shed a light on how dangerous this decision is.
Since 24 August, shortly after Streeting confirmed he was ‘minded’ to continue a ban, they have been leaving messages for the Health Secretary outside his constituency office in the form of cardboard ‘coffins’ that have been painted and decorated with messages.
Each one represents a trans person who risks losing their life due to lack of healthcare.
The message is simple: trans and non binary people demand to be treated with respect, dignity and wish for access to lifesaving healthcare.
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Until that happens, I’ll remain genuinely scared for all the young trans and non-binary children, who instead of spending time thinking about video games, homework, parties could instead be hurting themselves, just to be seen for who they are.
By banning puberty blockers Wes Streeting is neglecting his role as Health Secretary. He is feeding into a culture war and turning his back on some of our society’s most vulnerable, children. He should be ashamed.
Puberty blockers aren’t some evil potion, they are simply medication. Treatment. I don’t understand how Streeting can strip young people of that in good conscience.
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Everyone deserves access to medication that can help alleviate the discomfort they have with their bodies. He has no right to take that away from anyone.
Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk.
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